Cancer Journey Part 2 January 28, 2012

Saline Courier Column #7

I’ve had a few people ask me when I was going to write part two of my cancer story.  So, I decided this week is as good as any.  This part has a lot going on; I’ll try my best not to lose you.

Part two began the moment the negative results were back from the scan in November 2009.  There was nothing on the scan results indicating the presence of cancer.  However, the lab work that was done didn’t yield the same result.  I was not informed of this until May 2010.

I’d gone back to my endocrinologist’s office for my three month labs and he told me that the tumor marker (Tg) was elevated and that it had been since my treatment and body scan.  He told me he wasn’t sure why because the scan had come back negative.  He decided to raise the dose of my hormone medication to slow the growth of possible cancer cells and we waited a few more months to see what would happen.  So in August, I had what’s called a tracer dose of radioactive iodine (RAI), which is a very small dose of radiation, just enough to have a scan.  Again, the scan was negative but labs were not.  In an effort to try to figure out what was going on, I was scheduled to have a PET scan.  Radioactive sugar water is injected through an IV for the scan to work; I had to fast so my blood sugar would be low enough.  The results of the PET scan gave us an answer.  There was active cancer found in a single 7×11 mm lymph node on the left side of my neck right below my clavicle.  To be sure it wasn’t a fluke, I was scheduled for a contrast CT scan also; it produced the same result.  The cancer was back.

My endocrinologist wanted to wait another three months to do a second PET scan to see if the node got any bigger.  I said no; I didn’t see any sense in waiting or having additional radiation exposure when we had an answer.  I wanted to schedule a surgery as soon as possible, which is exactly what we did.  I met with the same surgeon who did my thyroidectomy but the surgery I was going to have is called a neck dissection and he didn’t do those.  I met with a surgeon he recommended and got the surgery scheduled for November 4, 2010.

He took out 15 lymph nodes and six of them tested positive for cancer…only one showed up on the PET scan results.  I was so glad I didn’t wait the additional three months my endocrinologist wanted me to wait before having surgery.  The aftermath of the second surgery was incredibly painful.  Whatever position they had me in during surgery caused a rib to be dislocated.  I thought a muscle or tendon had been torn during surgery.  I was prescribed pain medication that did not help.  Finally, I thought to see a chiropractor and she was the one to determine the cause of the pain.  It’s been over a year since the surgery and I still see the chiropractor for the pain it caused.  Also, nerves were damaged in my neck and shoulder, causing pain, limited mobility, and numbness that still have not healed.

My second round with cancer was, by far, the most difficult.  The physical and emotional pain was some of the worst I’ve ever experienced.  I struggled with my faith more at that point than when I was first diagnosed with cancer.  I know deep down that God was with me every second but when you’re consumed by heartache and fear, you don’t always feel God with you.  Knowing that I had so many friends and family praying for me made everything a bit more bearable.  Sometimes you have to swallow your pride and let others be strong for you.  Once you’ve come out of the situation you can look back and see God’s hand in your life, and you know it’s because people who love you lifted you up to Him in prayer when you couldn’t pray for yourself.  Until next week, be happy!

Life’s Pharaohs January 28, 2012

Saline Courier Column #6

We’ve been studying The Story in class on Sunday morning.  It’s the Bible in chronological order and it reads like a book.  For someone like me who really wants to read and study the Bible but has a hard time getting motivated to do so, it’s been a wonderful way to get started.

This week’s session was the story of Moses leading the Israelites out of Egypt.  We discussed how Moses felt completely unqualified for the job of standing up to Pharaoh and demanding he set the slaves free, when he really was more qualified than anyone else.  He’d had the experience of growing up in Egypt as royalty so he knew how things worked and he knew the culture.  Yet, Moses still asked God to choose someone else.  Moses was a poor public speaker and would possibly be killed if he set foot back in Egypt, but God saw those weaknesses as a tool to use for His glory.  Then our teacher asked the class if any of us had a “Pharaoh” in our lives.  Something that we felt terribly unqualified to handle but that God put in our lives to show His glory.  That struck a chord with me and though I didn’t share my thoughts then, I’m sharing now.

Everyone has at least one of those “Pharaohs” in their life.  Mine have been health issues, ranging from allergies and sinus problems to cancer and infertility.  I got good news at my endocrinologist appointment on Friday…no new tumors and labs were exactly where they should be.  That’s such a blessed way to begin the New Year and I’m incredibly grateful to God for giving me the strength to get through that trial.  Now, I’m trying to stay patient and not stress over the infertility issue.  It’s difficult not to stress over something such as infertility, even when you know stress causes more problems.  For as long as I can remember, all I’ve ever really wanted in life was to be a mother.  I understand that the struggles my body has been through over the last two years were significant and that it takes a while for the body to heal completely.  Though it hurts and I don’t understand why God has brought me to this trial, I know that He will bring me though it.  I know His glory will be seen through my weaknesses.

I had a conversation with God on Saturday.  The house was quiet, my husband was at work and the “kids” were calm and relaxed.  I was browsing Pinterest and finding some adorable baby things that I want to make or buy someday and my emotions overwhelmed me.  I don’t think I said more than 10 words to God but I poured my heart out in tears.  I don’t believe you always have to speak in prayer.  I believe that God knows your heart and being in prayerful silence is conversation enough for Him.

The following two passages of scripture have been a great source of comfort for me recently.  I want to share them with you in hopes that they give you comfort, hope and faith that God will never give you more than you can handle, and that he will carry you through.  James 1:2-4 “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” (NIV)  Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (NIV)

I believe whatever trial you are facing in your life will only make you stronger.  I hope that it makes you stronger in your faith.  And whatever you’re going through, know that you’re not alone.  Until next week, be happy!

Cancer Journey Part 1 January 28, 2012

Saline Courier Column #5

I had an endocrinologist appointment this week.  So, I thought this would be a great opportunity to share part one of my story with you.

Some people have a sense that something is wrong; they find a lump or have unexplainable pain.  It took years for me to develop that sense.  I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism in 2004 after three years of symptoms including weight gain, severe depression, anxiety, dry skin and fatigue.  I was put on thyroid hormone replacement and went to the doctor periodically for labs and adjustments of medicine dosage.  However, I never felt better for any significant length of time.  Eventually, I came to believe that I would never feel like myself again.

A few years later, my husband, Josh, and I decided to start trying to add to our little family.  After a year of no luck, I asked my doctor about seeing an endocrinologist because I knew that hypothyroidism could hinder my ability to get pregnant.  His nurse called me a couple of days later with an appointment time with the specialist.  After hanging up the phone, I instantly had a feeling of dread come over me…a gut feeling that something was terribly wrong.  I tried to ignore it and chalked it up to nerves getting the best of me.  Nevertheless, for moral support, I had my nana go with me to the appointment.

The endocrinologist was kind of like a bull in a china closet.  By the time he was finished with the exam I didn’t know if I was upright or standing on my head.  All I knew was that he’d found a 3cm x 4cm nodule on the right lobe of my thyroid and I was terrified because I knew what it was…cancer.  The chances of a thyroid nodule being malignant are about five percent, meaning five out of 100 nodules will be cancerous.  The odds were in my favor but knowing that didn’t ease the gut feelings at all.  The results of the biopsy came back within two days.  On October 2, 2009 I was diagnosed with papillary thyroid carcinoma.

Being told I had cancer literally knocked the wind out of me.  It didn’t help matters when my endocrinologist told me that I had the “good cancer” and that if he had to choose a cancer for any member of his family it would be thyroid cancer.  I met with a surgeon to discuss the upcoming surgery and risks.  He told me that there was a one percent chance that the removal of my thyroid would impact my vocal chords.  As a singer, losing my voice was the worst case scenario for me, though I didn’t have any choice but to have surgery.  Chemotherapy doesn’t work on papillary cancer and radiation is more of a last resort.  Radioactive Iodine (RAI) is the only treatment for papillary cancer and it’s only given after surgery.  Thyroid cells soak up iodine so the radiation kills any residual thyroid tissue and stray cancer cells.  I had a thyroidectomy at the end of October.  The tumor was wrapped around the nerve to my vocal chord so when it was removed it damaged the nerve causing paralysis.  I had RAI treatment and a body scan in mid-November.  Results of the scan said the RAI worked.  By December, I was cancer-free.

There’s more story to tell but I’ll stop here.  Part one of my story was a bit of a whirlwind.  I was diagnosed in October and cancer-free by December.  Three months is not enough time to accept having cancer.  My goal is to spread awareness for a disease that is not taken seriously and is written off to be nothing.  I want people to know that there is no such thing as a “good cancer”.  I want them to feel validated when they express fears or concerns and, most of all, I want them to be aware of what their body is telling them.  Mine was telling me something was wrong for years before I was diagnosed.  I want people to learn from my experience and stand up for themselves.  Thanks for indulging me.  Until next week, be happy!

Happy New Year 2012 January 28, 2012

Saline Courier Column #4

I love the holiday season, usually.  I enjoy decorating my home for Christmas, time with family and exchanging gifts.  However, I didn’t feel much joy this year.  Christmas was weird, awkward and uncomfortable for me, which isn’t typical.  My home wouldn’t have been decorated had it not been for my husband putting up the tree and stockings.  I just wanted the holiday to pass as quickly and painlessly as possible, save for Christmas morning with my husband and “kids” (dogs).  I enjoy the time spent with them most of all.  Thankfully, we’re past Christmas and thinking about what the future holds.

Today is the last day of 2011.  We’re upon the eve of a new year.  I love the traditions of beginning a new year; the countdown, the midnight kiss, ham and black-eyed peas on New Year’s Day for luck through-out the year, and of course, making resolutions.  Whether you’re looking forward to what the New Year has in store for you or you’re just glad to see the current year end, New Year’s is a time to reflect on the past and to look to the future.  It’s an opportunity to make changes for the better, to start over.  It’s a second chance to try something you never have but always wanted too or to do something life-changing.

I’m glad to see 2011 end.  I had high hopes for what this year would be for me.  Unfortunately, it fell short but not for my lack of trying.  This year, I was re-diagnosed with thyroid cancer and had my third surgery since 2009 to remove cancerous lymph nodes.  There was an unexpected death in my family and an expected (yet, still heartbreaking) death in my husband’s family.  We’ve had ill family, estranged relationships and I’ve been struggling with infertility.

I have to say, though, that this year has brought its fair share of blessings.  I got to travel to Arizona to visit my best friend and spend a weekend with her in Las Vegas.  I enjoyed a wonderful vacation with my husband, just the two of us.  I had the opportunity to go to MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston, Texas.  That may not sound like a pleasant experience but it absolutely was because it was there that I finally got a remission status!  Plus, it was practically another mini-vacation with my husband.  When we weren’t at the hospital, we were going to the Houston Zoo and the aquarium and just generally having a grand time.

There were several “firsts” in 2011…first time in Las Vegas and Houston, first time an otolaryngologist told me my vocal chord may never repair itself and the first (and second) time I sang to a public audience since my vocal chord paralysis two years ago.  I won’t say 2011 was a bad year for me because though it wasn’t great, it also wasn’t terrible.  However, I’m looking forward to 2012…whatever it brings me.  The bad times build character and make you grateful for the good and the good times give you strength to get though.

So, what will your resolutions be for 2012?  Will they be to better yourself?  Or to give of yourself to help others?  Personally, I resolve to pray more and build a deeper relationship with God.  I resolve to live a healthier lifestyle.  I resolve play with my “kids” more.  I resolve to practice patience, to enjoy the simple things in life and to be content and happy no matter what obstacles are thrown at me.  I’ll leave you with this quote from Neil Gaiman:  “May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness.  I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you’re wonderful, and don’t forget to make some art (write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can) and somewhere in the next year, I hope you surprise yourself.”  I think this is a fantastic wish for 2012.  I wish you and yours a year full of beautiful memories and abundant blessings.  Happy New Year!  Until next week, be happy!

ReBirthday January 28, 2012

Saline Courier Column #3

On November 24, 2011, I turned 15 years old.  Yes, you read that right.  November 24, 1996 was my spiritual birthday…the day I was baptized.  I know some who believe that God should make everything easy and that nothing bad should ever happen again once you follow him.  Maybe they use that as an excuse for not believing that God exists in the first place.  I cannot say that my life has been a breeze since becoming a Christian; that would be a bold-faced lie.  As a Christian, I have experienced some of the most profound losses of my life, some of the most painful heartaches, and some of the most intense struggles.  I have learned who my true friends are.  I have also been given a very unique story and the opportunity to share my story with others and to share what God has done in my life.

I have a friend, who also had thyroid cancer.  She once told me that if God really existed He wouldn’t allow someone so young, someone with young children, someone with so much life left to live to have cancer…that cancer would not exist at all.  In a perfect world, I believe she would be right.  But the world is not perfect.  It is harsh and raw and painful and dirty.  But the world is also joyous and exciting and fulfilling and blessed.  You just have to look for the positive in every situation.

I don’t believe that being a Christian makes you immune to the challenges the world throws into your life.  I do believe that being a Christian gives you opportunities to be closer to God.  Keeping my faith has been the most difficult challenge.  I wish I could tell you that I just take whatever life throws at me with grace and tact, but I can assure you that I do not.  I have been told by several people on numerous different occasions that I am a strong person and that my faith is admirable.  I graciously take the compliment but, inside, I’m laughing in their face.  I project an illusion of strength and faith, but I do not always truly feel it.  I have spent many moments in tears asking God, “Why me?” and begging him to take this affliction from me.  What good would that do though?  I would be happier for never having gone through the turmoil of having cancer and my family wouldn’t have had to have the experience of worrying about a loved one with cancer.  I would have my voice fully restored and who knows; maybe I would have a recording contract, multi-platinum albums and a slew of #1 hits on the Billboard charts.  But then I would not be writing a blog and enlightening others of the issues and processes of living with cancer.  I would not be spreading awareness for a cancer that is very serious but not at all taken seriously.  I would not be writing my own column for my local paper.  I would not be as strong as I am.  I would not have the faith that I have in God that He is always with me and will guide me through whatever comes my way.  I believe that the will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you.

Life is messy and completely unfair, but that’s just life.  What makes you is how you respond to what obstacles life puts in your path.  I have had many obstacles in my path and I could have let them make me bitter.  I do not think anyone would blame me for being angry at God, but I choose not to be angry.  I choose to be happy and content with my life and the chaos in it.  I choose that because I know, no matter what, that God is with me and will guide me through the obstacles.  With His guidance, I will be a better, stronger and more faithful Christian on the other side.  Until next week, be happy!

The War On Christmas January 28, 2012

Saline Courier Column #2

I have been seeing posts all over Facebook lately, and hearing controversy in general, about the Merry Christmas vs. Happy Holidays debate.  To be honest, I have had enough of it.  I understand that most of those who say “Happy Holidays” are just trying to be politically correct-“Happy whatever-holiday-you-celebrate-this-time-of-year!”  It is not my typical seasonal greeting but I am not offended if someone greets me with “Happy Holidays”.  In fact, I wouldn’t be offended if someone wished me a Happy Hanukkah or a Happy Kwanzaa, either.  Personally, I celebrate Christmas; so I would probably return the greeting with “Merry Christmas”.

This time of year everyone seems to be consumed by the hustle and bustle of the season-the cooking, the parties, traditions galore, and the shopping…oh, the shopping!  They forget what the season is really all about.  Who can give (or get) the biggest, the best, the most expensive gift on ones wish-list?  Christmas has truly been plagued by commercialism.  I am not saying that you should not partake in the tradition of gift-giving but does it have to be to the extreme?  Are you the type of person that assaults twenty people with pepper spray to prevent them from taking the item you had intended to buy on Black Friday?  Or, are you the type of person that will give up the last X-Box 360 Kinect in the county to a single mother because that is the one and only item her child wanted from Santa this year?

As Christians, this is the season to remember and celebrate the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ; whether he really was born on Christmas.  Keeping in mind the spirit of the season, do we as Christians, continue to fight this “war on Christmas” or do we take a step back and try to be more humble, peaceful, and generous to those less fortunate… more Christ-like?  Instead of purchasing one more gift for your child, take your child to adopt an angel off the Salvation Army’s Angel Tree.  Show them how wonderful it feels to give a Christmas gift to a child less fortunate.  Instead of reading The Night Before Christmas to your family on Christmas Eve night read; them the story of Christ’s birth.  Before serving your family Christmas dinner; go to a local church pantry or food bank and volunteer to help serve a meal to the homeless.  Talk with them and share the story of how you came to know Jesus.

Last weekend, the church I attend had a luncheon for those in our community who use its pantry.  I had been asked to sing at the event.  It was the first time I had sung in public since my vocal chord paralysis two years ago.  I thought I was terrible but that doesn’t really matter.  What a blessing it was to spend some time with some very strong and courageous members of our community.  There was one sweet lady, in particular, who invited me to come listen to her sing Christmas carols while she rings the bell for the Salvation Army.  I am looking forward to doing so.

This season let us look for the good in others and give of ourselves instead of being self-centered and selfish.  Let us find happiness in the small, simple things and give thanks to a loving God who sent his only Son to dwell among men.  I wish you all a beautiful holiday season with loved ones.  Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, Merry Christmas…Happy Holidays.  Until next week, be happy!

Blessings In Disguise January 28, 2012

Saline Courier Column #1

If you’ve never heard the song “Blessings” by Laura Story, you should definitely listen to it.  You can catch it on the radio station 90.1 FM, K-LOVE.  I never listened to contemporary Christian music until recently, but I have to say it’s had a profound effect on my attitude and outlook during a very difficult time in my life.  For those of you that don’t know me let me give you the short version of the story.  I am 28 years old and I am a thyroid cancer survivor.  I was diagnosed in 2009 at age 26 and in two years time I’ve had three major surgeries on my neck to remove my thyroid and cancerous lymph nodes.  I’ve also had a radioactive iodine treatment that did not work.  I finally received a remission status at the end of August this year.  Thyroid cancer has a reputation of being “the good cancer”, mainly because it has a high survival rate, but let me assure you there is no such thing as a “good cancer”.  I’ve learned so much about how important the thyroid is in controlling almost every bodily function.  Having the remission status doesn’t mean this is something I’ll never deal with again; it is a lifelong issue for me and because there was lymph node involvement I’m at a much higher risk of recurrence.

I brought up the song “Blessings” because it’s based on the Bible passage James 1:2-4 which reads in the NIV: “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”  I have experienced my fair share of trials in life and I believe that I’m a stronger person and stronger in my faith because of them.  I believe my cancer diagnosis to be a blessing in disguise.  Thyroid cancer took away my most cherished possession, my singing voice, but in exchange God provided me with the gift of the written word.  Writing was something I never in my wildest imagination believed I would have any kind of future with, especially since previously I only wrote because my school grades depended on it.  I began keeping a blog of my cancer journey as a way to express my frustrations and triumphs.  The blog turned into my way of paying it forward, using it reach out to others that were having the same struggle that I was or to those that knew someone with the same struggles.  I just wanted others to know that they were not alone in their fight…to validate them and their feelings.  Blogging lead me to the chance to have a column in the Saline Courier.  It’s funny how things always work out even when you think they won’t.  It may not be in the way you want but I do believe it’s always in the way that is ultimately best for you.  I’m thrilled with the opportunity to write a weekly column in the Saline Courier and be a part of its growth.  I’m excited about what the future holds.

I believe in making a daily effort to be thankful for the blessings in life but the holidays are a wonderful time to reflect on blessings while being surrounded by loved ones.   I look back on the last two years of my life and despite the struggles and fear and heartache, I am thankful.  I’m thankful for amazing, supportive family and friends.  I’m thankful for God’s grace and unfailing love.  I’m thankful for new opportunities and blessings in disguise.  What blessings are you thankful for this holiday season?

Promised Elaboration November 14, 2011

Some of you know that Josh and I have been trying for about 3 years to get pregnant to no avail.  Two years ago my cancer treatment put baby-making on hold for a while but otherwise we were always trying.  I went to my OB/GYN three weeks ago for a pre-conception appointment to have some labs done to make sure I was healthy and able to conceive and carry a child.  I got my lab results two weeks ago only because I called and aggravated the nurse to the point that she finally returned my call.  When she finally did call me back her tone of voice was as if I called every hour for the past week…very annoyed & very unsympathetic.  She told me that everything came back normal except my FSH/LH ratio was off.  She gave me no numbers and no advice other than to go get an ovulation kit so that they could test my progesterone and to get on a weight loss program.

So, as always, if I want more answers than what I’m getting from the doctor, I do my own research.  Needless to say, the answers I found were horrifying to me.  Everything I found said that the FSH/LH ratio being reversed was an indicating factor of PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).  PCOS is the leading cause of infertility in women and there is no cure.  This was the result I was most terrified of.

I called my mom who works for a chiropractor and she told me to have my doctor’s office fax them a copy of my lab results.  She called me back and said the results weren’t as bad as the nurse made them out to be and Dr. Spann had ordered me some supplements that would, hopefully, help.  I also called Dr. Phillips, who specializes in fertility issues & who I had heard wonderful things about.  They got me in to see him the very next week.

So, this past Friday at 11 I posted a status on Facebook asking for prayers and that I would elaborate on the reason later.  I was sitting in Dr. Phillips waiting room at the time.  I instantly liked him and felt comfortable with him.  He told me that after looking at my lab results that he did not believe that I have PCOS.  Music to my ears!  He also said that I probably wasn’t ovulating and that’s why I haven’t gotten pregnant.  So he prescribed Clomid for me which forces the ovaries to produce an egg.  He said if I’m not pregnant by May then to come back in and they’d run some more tests but that he expected to hear from me in a couple of months with a positive home pregnancy test. :)

So, there you have it.  Another crazy situation in the life of Jessica.  One doctor fired, one doctor hired and hopefully a baby on the way in the very near future.  I ask for your continued thoughts and prayers as Josh & I try to add to our little family.

Uncertain Happiness November 9, 2011

During another period in my life in which my future is a little uncertain, I feel like posting a few things that make me happy & in one way or another, give me a little hope that everything will work out the way it’s supposed too…and I’ll be happy, regardless of the outcome.  (Don’t worry, I’ll explain everything in due time…as always.)

I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou

The free bird leaps
on the back of the wind
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wings
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.

 

But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

 

The caged bird sings
with fearful trill
of the things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill for the caged bird
sings of freedom

 

The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn
and he names the sky his own.

 

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing

 

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.

 

Emily Dickenson (She never titled her poems.)

 

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,

 

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

 

I’ve heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

 

Blessings by Laura Story

 

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while,

You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

 

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

 

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

All the while,

You hear each desperate plea
And long that we’d have faith to believe

 

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

 

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It’s not our home

 

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

 

Anyway by Martina McBride

 

You can spend your whole life buildin’
Somethin’ from nothin’
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway

 

You can chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

 

God is great, but sometimes life ain’t good
When I pray it doesn’t always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway

 

This world’s gone crazy and it’s hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway

You can love someone with all your heart
For all the right reasons
And in a moment they can choose to walk away
Love ‘em anyway

 

God is great, but sometimes life ain’t good
When I pray it doesn’t always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway

 

You can pour your soul out singing
A song you believe in
That tomorrow they’ll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway
Yeah, sing it anyway

 

I sing, I dream, I love
Anyway
Yeah

 

Praise You In This Storm by Casting Crowns

 

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining

 

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

 

And I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

 

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You

 

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

 

And I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

 

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

And I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

 

And I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

 

That’s all…for now.

Unwell September 8, 2011

Facebook has this neat little thing now that shows your previous statuses called “On This Day In” and then it gives the year that this particular status was posted. Well, mine for September 8, 2009 says “When life rains on your parade bring out the slip’n'slide”.

It was nice to see that four days after a 3x4cm nodule was found on my thyroid, a nodule that I knew in my gut was cancer, that I was still happy & positive despite the journey I was about to take. I want to believe that had I known what I was really in for that I would have still maintained that positivity, but I don’t know. It’s hard to believe it’s been two years since this whole nightmare started and changed my life and my family’s lives forever. I am beyond exhausted, have been completely emotionally run down for months and am sick to death of feeling like I have to continually keep a smile on my face for other people. I’m tired of feeling guilty when I am not as over-the-moon about my “remission” status as people think I should be and no, I am not fine.

Someone told me that I shouldn’t say I’m in remission but that I should say I’m cancer free. I don’t think that one is really any better or worse than the other…since they basically mean the same thing. However, I do think it’s a personal choice. I, for one, don’t believe I’m free of cancer, I do think that I don’t have any active cancer cells at this time and that it could and probably will come back at some point in my life. That probably sounds like a very pessimistic outlook to most, I see it as realistic…protecting myself against future heartache.

I’ve been sick, like physically ill, since the Saturday after my MD Anderson trip. I went to my family doctor on Wednesday this week to talk to him about what could be wrong. I ended up having some labs done before I left his office and a CT of my abdomen/pelvis today. I’m afraid this is always going to be my life now…illness, tests, waiting, fear that there is something else wrong with me. I’ll keep you posted on results as always.

I’m not in a very good place right now. I’ve never been so emotionally exhausted in my life. This whole ordeal has been such a whirlwind that I haven’t had a real opportunity to process everything that’s happened in the last 2 years. I know that God has a plan but I really don’t want to be told that right now. I’m venting for me and to give you all some tiny glimpse into what is my life currently. I only ask you to please look at what I’ve been though and make sure you are aware of your body. Check your neck, see a doctor…be healthy and happy. And spread the word that September is Thyroid Cancer Awareness month and that thyroid cancer is not at all the “good” or “easy” cancer.

“Unwell” by Matchbox Twenty is on Pandora Radio right now…that’s fitting. LOL